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10611

06 Nov

slipping slowly through
the slightly opened windows
a smell of autumn
summers in rearview mirror
departing to be back once

Linked to Carpe Diem Tanka Splendor #7 Teika’s third Tanka Writing Technique “Elegant beauty”

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2 responses to “10611

  1. Baigneur de Fôret

    06/11/2016 at 11:46 pm

    Starts so well but something suffers in that last line. Not quite right as the meaning is not quite there. The word ‘once’ maybe not quite right.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Sky D Sky

      06/11/2016 at 11:51 pm

      Yes, I know. I was trying to find a word with that meaning to fit into the form 57577 but I gave up at the end because it’s too late. This one needs correction. Thanks for the suggestion.

      Like

       

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