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Too much time has passed since she left everything. She lost trust in people and then she lost confidence in herself. Or it went in reverse order.

Magical words came one after another. Exactly the ones she repeated for years only in her head, hiding them selfishly from everyone and only occasionally let them glide along the intertwined path of the infinity sign clumsy drawn on a piece of paper. They came out of nowhere and begun to tore down walls, carefully built over the years.

After the countless attempts to open the door, she finally found herself on the other side. Fear and disbelief, but also a desire to stay there forever.

april evening
at the front door
indecisive cat

62004

“I’ve heard you like challenges, right? Oh, how exciting that is!”, I heard my own voice in the silence.
“So, honey, let’s check how much you’ve progressed since the last time we spoke!”

“Ok”, I said. “Let’s the fun begin!”
This time I thought I was prepared better than ever.

On the way out, I was greeted by a wet road. I didn’t even notice that it was raining before, but I didn’t care, because I had a small, yellow umbrella in my purse.

Someone wise said – when there is no sun, make your own.
I almost made it this time.

The evening was cold, and the air had some strange weight.

april evening
between trust and carelessness
a thin line

61604

Now when the sky suddenly turned gray
and the sun melted with the moon
tell me about the secrets
you hide under your coat.
I’ll wipe the dust off
my angels wings
and let them
fly off
free.

Never
get wiser
nor happier,
different faces
but the same old places
calling me back to the start.
Again and again in circles
I kill myself and give me rebirth.

sudden traffic jam
the walls around and inside
still resist the time

61404

I have no clue what the New Moon in Aries brought during the weekend, but as much as my memory serves me (and it is quite selective), I’m sure that the last time I noticed, it was in Sagittarius and did me no good at all.

So, I finally decided to move a bit away from the walls and to look at the sky from the different spot. Believe me or not, everything seems pretty different despite the predictions about the world that make my blood turning to ice. From now on, I refuse to listen self-called misters and misses WeKnowItAll!

My mirror became so cruel, without mercy at all, but I’m an inner warrior and I’ll fight with all my strength. I became wiser and got to know one secret – everything happens in this blink of the eye!

approaching of May
against the weather forecast
only silly hearts

61204

Who would have ever said that the day of awakening would come, a day in which 20 years of illusion would suddenly spill over into the just one single thought: “It was all just a rehearsal”. A trial version, with extended expiration date. But what is it compared to time in which infinity is a unit of measure? The shades make a difference, but sometimes they are so hard to spot.

There is so much to talk about, that even ten books wouldn’t be enough to describe all the adventures of a deceived mind. Adventures that never really existed outside of the twisted world that a mind created itself unconsciously assuming the role of God. Oh, how exciting!

Now, who to blame? Maybe all those strategy video games played during the youth? Or all those weird stories from the favorite movies? Or… Who cares?!Forgive yourself and be thankful for the lessons! At the end, soon or a later everything gets into the place. And you… You would never come this far without them.

moonless night

look how the sky

shines its own colors

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The night brought you in a dream, just to say a couple of words without any sense before the Sun took you in its arms and carried you back to the other world, behind the walls unjustly built.

I didn’t get to ask anything, I just said some mathematical formulas and definitions out very loud, almost shouting, trying to draw attention to my presence.

The dream fulfilled its mission. I imagined every moment of deserved glory, though I wasn’t there and not even invited.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I can’t hate yesterday. Instead, I’m proud of myself and grateful for every single moment that brought me closer to my true being.

I may never know the reasons, but the faith is strong and immortal. As this soul inside.

Switching between the years, everything is the same, yet so different.

new years resolutions
leaving a blank page
in the new diary

Link to Carpe Diem #1842 End Of Year

52012

Last item on my to-do list is finally crossed.

5 mins to 5 and I’m going to sleep exactly 5 hours. What a time to take a look at the clock!

Jupiter conjunct Saturn in Aquarius! Big changes are on the way, they say, a total transformation of the old and beginning of something brand new. I have no clue if this is true, but whenever I see a word Aquarius, I knew that I’m on my own terrain. How narcissistic statement this was!

Two warriors in my Ascendant – Mars in Aries has put the whole World into the mess, except me. Somehow, I was thrown to my own path to self.

I don’t know why am I telling you this, especially considering the fact that I even don’t know anything about astrology. I just pick some information here and there and I find them fun.

end of decade
my thoughts still floating above
closed borders

50612

If all the words took shape, I believe that only a few would be able to read. Inside, everything is reminiscent of the old-fashioned magazines from abroad that we often bought because of the pictures, not understanding a single word. We are adults and intelligent enough to know that imagination is a virtue of children, but a man without imagination is just a turtle tucked into his armor. Too boring and it takes too long. Everything was supposed to be full of the sketches from life and clips of the dreams. Somewhere along the road, I missed the main part.

At the end of a day, same old sun promises a new awakening.

decades alternate
here is the way,
sunshine!

50512

I haven’t left the house for a few days, but I haven’t missed a thing in my little magic box – the blue sky, the sun and the other side of the moon even. I walked the different shores, traveled into the space, met various people and spent some time in their homes, picked up a piece of fame here and there as well. Maybe even a little hatred, somewhere, who knows. I successfully ruled my world, turned it on and off with just one click. How great power is entrusted to me!

The dark night is over, but walls still keep the coldness from the outside.

morning frost
finally fulfilled
to-do list

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It was the hardest but at the same time, the most beautiful part of her life. What is for sure, that was the most powerful period one could even imagine.

Seasons rotate and time has no mercy. Years make wrinkles on her face and each passing year leaves inerasable scars on her body.

Winter on a doorstep reminds her about the transience of everything.

Those who have gone once, never return back.

november full moon ~
a gaze high up to the sky
in vain, my dear child

Linked to Haibun Monday: Being But Human